She says turkey flavoured candy tastes ‘disturbingly, hauntingly like candied turkey’ and is ‘wrong on every level’
Ahead of this year’s holiday season, candy company Brach’s has released its Turkey Dinner Candy Corn, which promises a “full course meal presented in a unique mix of candy corn flavours”.
According to the candy manufacturer’s website, the package includes “all of the traditional Thanksgiving favourites,” with flavours such as roasted turkey, green beans, cranberry sauce, and stuffing, as well as apple pie and coffee flavoured candy corn.
However, according to Heather Martin, a dietician from Texas, who has gone viral on social media after sharing her opinions on the flavours, the candy leaves a lot to be desired when compared to the dishes one would find on a Thanksgiving table.
In a post first shared to Facebook, Martin began by acknowledging that she “promised to report back for National Spooky Month,” before informing her followers that they owed her “for taking one for the team” with the review.
Martin then went into great detail describing the experience of eating the candy corn, with the dietician noting that the first thing she noticed upon opening the package was the smell of the coffee flavoured candies.
“This is a transparent and deliberate attempt to lull you into a false sense of security. Don’t be a sucker,” she wrote, before sharing her issue with the similarities in colour between the candy corn pieces.
After identifying each flavour, Martin then broke down her thoughts on each candy corn, beginning with the roast turkey, which she said tasted “disturbingly, hauntingly like candied turkey” and was “wrong on every level”.
The next piece she tried, according to her review, was the stuffing candy corn, which she described as having an overpowering taste of sage.
“Tastes like hate and sage. So much sage. It’s ironic, because you’ll need to burn sage to erase it from your psyche,” she wrote, later concluding that it is the worst flavour of the bag. “The stuffing one is by far the worst flavour. It is appalling. Pepperidge Farms has apparently taken up training assassins. I’ve met voodoo dolls with less evil intent. The developer of this flavour deserves your disdain, and for that, I salute them.”
Martin’s criticism also extended to the cranberry sauce flavour, which she said “offers nary a hint of cranberry, and not even a smidge of tartness,” and the green bean candy corn, a confection that she said was “unforgivable”.
“If you left a cup of green tea on the porch in bad weather for a week, during which time it attained sentience and promptly began plotting your demise, and you hate green tea, that’s what this tastes like,” she wrote. “There’s definitely some dirt in it, and…is that a hint of dead leaf, or decomposing June beetle?”
She later described the vegetable flavour as her “personal pick for most offensive to the celebration of Thanksgiving food,” adding that it tastes like “mowing the lawn”.
“It’s what you might get if you described green beans to an alien who had been tasked with reproducing the flavour using only very inexpensive petroleum-based esters,” she continued. “And you had never actually had green beans. And also the alien hated its job.”
The dietician’s only slightly positive reviews were for the caramel apple pie candy corn flavour, which she said was “fine,” but compared to an artificial flavouring coming from time spent in a room with a candle, and the coffee flavour, which she said “is the best one” even as she described it as “terrible”.
Martin concluded her review revealing that she had given Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn “five stars,” before urging everyone to get a bag and set them out for unsuspecting guests.
“Everyone should get a bag. Set them out in a nice, inviting bowl, and don’t say a word,” she wrote.
Martin’s review has since gone viral on Facebook, where it has been shared more than 9,000 times, and on Twitter, where it has been liked an additional 5,000 times.
“I was hoping that this was not a real product. Thank you for your sacrifice,” one person wrote on Facebook, while another said: “Regular candy corn is awful enough, I don’t know how anyone could think this would be an improvement. I’ll pass!”
Someone else added: “Thank you for eating these and then telling everyone about it so we don’t have to.”
While most people were scared away from the candy by Martin’s criticism, there were also those who were left intrigued by the review, with one person revealing that they had gone out and purchased a bag of the candy corn to try themselves.
Another person found Martin’s review helpful, as it inspired them to send a bag of the candy to their ex, who “loves candy corn”.
“Thank you so very much. My ex loves candy corn. I will send him a package. Did I mention he owes me money?” they joked.